Rodney Dangerfield – No Respect

Rodney Dangerfield (1921 – 2004), american stand-up comedian famous for his “I don’t get no respect” one-liner jokes. I will share some of them here, just for fun.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door.
She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

Rodney Dangerfield - No Respect

Rodney Dangerfield – I Don’t Get No Respect

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

I tell ya, when I was a kid I had it rough. Once on my birthday, my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

I tell ya with girls, I never have any luck. A belly-dancer told me I turned her stomach.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.

I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I’m so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway.”

I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

Rodney Dangerfield - I Don't Get No Respect

Rodney Dangerfield – I Don’t Get No Respect

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.


I’m so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.

I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said: “Nothing, your eyesight is perfect.”

I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy — for birth control.

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

Well I don’t get respect from anyone. I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

From my wife, I don’t get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. My wife lit it.

I tell ya with girls, I don’t get no respect. I had a date with a girl, I waited two hours at the corner. A girl showed up. I said “Are you Louise?” She said, “Are you Rodney?” I said, “Yeah.” She said, “I’m not Louise.”

I tell ya, when I was a kid I got no respect. My parents got divorced. They had a custody fight over me. No one showed up.

When I was born, I got no respect. The doctor told my mother, “I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway.”

I know I’m ugly. My dog found out we look alike. He killed himself.

I tell ya last Christmas I got no respect. I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls eye in the back.

Oh when I was a kid, I got no respect. I played hide and seek. They wouldn’t even look for me.

I know I’m ugly. I tell my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.

I tell ya, when I was a kid, I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.

Nothing works out. I bought an Apple computer. There was a worm in it!

I remember I told my wife, will you marry me? She said, if you really loved me, you wouldn’t ask me to do this.

I loaned a guy $10,000 to have plastic surgery. Now I can’t find the guy. I don’t know what he looks like!

I told my landlord I wanted to live in a more expensive apartment. He raised my rent.

I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

Rodney Dangerfield - I Don't Get No Respect

Rodney Dangerfield – I Don’t Get No Respect









R.I.P. Rodney Dangerfield. You surely have millions of people’s respect.

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